50 pure dead giveaways that you are Scottish
1. Scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine and a cold northerly
wind, is your idea of good weather.
2. The only sausage you like is square.
3. You were forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at high
4. You have a wide knowledge of local words, and know: Numpty is an
idiot, Aye is yes, Aye right is No, Auldjin is someone over 40, and
Baltic is cold.
5. You have an irrational need to eat anything from the chippy, as
long as its deep fried – Haggis, pizza, white pudding, sausage, fish,
chicken and battered Mars Bars.
6. You used to love destroying your teeth with – Penny Dainties,
Wham Bars, Cola Cubes, and Soor Plooms.
7. You always greet people by talking about the weather.
8. Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia,
Deacon Blue, Big Country, etc, you still love it when they are played in a
club abroad. (in fact you’ll probably ask the DJ to play it)
9. You have an enormous feeling of dread, even when Scotland play a
10. You are proud that Scotland has the highest number of alcohol and
smoking deaths in Europe.
11. You used to watch Glen Michael’s Cartoon Cavalcade on a Sunday
Afternoon with his lamp Paladdin.
12. You got Oor Wullie and The Broons books Every Christmas.
13. You only enjoy Weir’s Way on the telly, when you are pissed.
14. You are able to recognise the regional dilect, (Glasgow) ‘Awright
pal, gonie gies a wee swatcha yir paper nat, Cheers, magic pal.
(Aberdeen) Fitlike Loon? Furryboots ya bin up tae? fair few quines in the
night, min. (Inverness) Ah-eee right enuffff! How’s you keeeepeeeen?
15. You know the police are about to arrive when you hear someone
16. You have witnessed a ‘Square Go’
17. You know that when you are asked which School you attended they
really mean, ‘Are you Catholic or Proddy?’
18. You have eaten the following: Mince and Tatties, Cullen Skink,
Tunnock’s Teacakes, Snowballs and Caramel Wafers, Porage, Macaroon Bar,
Baxters Soup, Scotch Pie, Oatcakes.
19. A Jakey has ask you for 10p for a cuppa tea.
20. You wait at the shop counter for 1p change.
21. You know that the right response to ‘you dancing?’ is ‘you askin?’
followed by ‘am askin’ and finally ‘then am dancin’.
22. You associated sawdust with vomit, coz the ‘jannie’ always, used to
pour it over sick in school.
23. You lose all respect for a groom who doesn’t wear a kilt.
24. You don’t do shopping, you ‘go for the messages.’
25. You’re on a bus and the drunk picks you to sit next to.
26. You are able to conduct a 20 minute phone call using three words
only,– Awright, aye, and naw.
27. When you refuse the offer of a drink, you hear, ‘ You no well?’
28. You have heard the following:
You canny fling pieces oot a 20 storey flat,
700 hungry weans’ll testify to that,
If its butter, cheese or jelly,
If the breed is plain or pan,
The chances o’ it reachin earth,
Are ninety nine tae wan.
29. You know that going to a party means bringin a Kerry oot.
30. Your holiday in Benidorm is ruined when you hear there is a heatwave
31. Scotland go 2-0 up against the French, and you immediately think,
getting beat 3-2 was ‘no a bad result’.
32. You can pronounce: McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and
33. You love deep fried Pizza.
34. You can’t pass a Kebab shop after being at the pub.
35. You are used to four seasons in one day. (winter, winter, autumn,
36. You can fall when drunk and not spill your drink.
37. You see people wearing shellsuits with Burberry accessories, and
think ‘thats class’.
38. You measure distance in minutes.
39. You understand Rab C. Nesbitt.
40. You go to Saltcoats because you think its abroad.
41. You can make a whole sentence using only swear words.
42. You know what haggis is made with, but you still enjoy it.
43. You know someone who planned their wedding around the football
44. You have been to a wedding and the football results have been
announced in church.
45. You are not surprised to find one shop selling ALL of the following:
Pizzas, Nappies, Fags, Curries, Milk, Paint, Shoes etc.
46. Your seaside home has Calor gas under it.
47. You know that Irn-Bru is a good hang over cure.
48. You could swear before you could count.
49. You would ‘nut’ a terrorist if they tried to bomb your Airport.
50. You are not only Scottish but Glaswegian when you understand the
following- How’s it hingin’, clatty, boggin’, cludgie, Ba’heid, bawbag,
and double nougat.
…the Agony of my Feet.
I recently finished reading an interesting and amusing Adventure Racing book which is basically a collection of short essays on racing experiences. It includes tales from pioneers and prominent racers in the sport over the past two decades through to marshals, first timers and consistent back of the packers. It’s definitely worth looking out on Amazon from the link below.
The introduction has the following manifesto that I really liked. Apologies to the author, I can’t recall your name!
If you’re not hungry, you’re carrying too much food
If you’re not thirsty, you’re carrying too much water
If you are warm, you have too many clothes
If you’re not wet, scratched and bruised, you took the long way
If you’re not frightened, you have too much gear
If you’re not tired, you’re going too slowly
If you’re not drop down sleepy, you’re getting too much rest
And if you finish the race on schedule, it was too easy anyway!
Sometimes motorway journeys can be the strangest of things. Today I saw a hearse, driving at 80mph on the M74 – unusual in itself, being that these black behemoths barely manage anything more than a crawl from day to day. However, to add to the sight, behind the hearse was an ambulance racing with blue lights on, clearly attending a callout but being held up by the hearse. Tucked in behind the ambulance, unbelievably drafting at a distance of about 4feet was a motorbiker (or organ donor as they’re also known), clearly keen to get a move on past the ambulance. The whole scene just seemed to be arse about tit and made me chuckle. Hope Mr Biker didn’t get 5ft closer to that ambulance, or worse, the hearse…